Thursday 2 June 2011

Connection, Friendship, Love

There are times in my life when a single strong theme seems to stand out, demanding my attention, showing me how the Principles of Life are lived at their grandest and best. All of the Great Principles of Happiness effect one another, but when one becomes illuminated in a greater light certain others become more greatly enhanced. At this time in life its all about connection, friendship and love.
To fully explain I need to begin at the age of thirteen. That year my family moved from the South of England, to the North. We held a big farewell party that was quite an event. I remember feeling that this farewell party was a very final division that would never be reached across ever again. Maybe that feeling became a self fulfilling prophecy because after the move, although there were attempts to keep in touch, people, rather quickly, let go of me, just as I let go of them.
This happened again two years later when we moved from East Lancashire to West Lancashire. I had friends with whom we promised to keep in touch , but it didn’t happen. Friends made at my third high school and then at university all faded away.
There was one friend I made during University years that did hold on to me, supporting me through my mission, and that was Barbara. She was the first one who really taught me that there are people who don’t see distance and time as an obstacle. However, later on in life, during my two years in Leeds, we dropped out of touch for a bit and contact has been sporadic at best.
In the fourteen years since I left Norwich I had many other opportunities to leave friends behind. There was my mission, which actually I did do slightly better at keeping in touch with people. But only marginally. There were my work colleagues in Leeds and the friends I made in Guatemala whilst volunteering. All meant something to me at the time but that meaning seemed to fade away with time and distance. It seemed that life had taught me that only family went with you, friendship was simply a temporary convenience. But I have slowly become aware that for many other people this just isn’t the case. And they weren’t always living in the same place either.
Is real friendship that lasts very rare because people just aren’t willing to put in the effort? Or are people we actually make deep connections with very rare? Or are my/our expectations of true friendship very narrow? Is continued contact necessary for real friendship to exist or is it possible that loose connections can be as valuable as tight ones?
I believe that I am discovering that any connection, however neglected, however thin, always remains. I think I have found this most strongly epitomized in the story of my Great Aunt Amelia.
This aunt, born around 1908 was injured in a tram accident when she was in her early twenties. She suffered brain damage and was institutionalised. I know only that my grandfather, her brother in law, ever visited her, but he died in the early 1970’s. My mother and her sisters, Aunt Amelia’s nieces, were told nothing or very little about her. It was assumed, because of her condition, that she must have died.
However, early this year one of my cousins found her death certificate. She died in the year 2000, outliving her two brothers and passing away only a few months before her little sister, my nan. That was 70 years of life, mostly unconnected to her family, the people who should have loved and looked after her. Where was the connection? Where was the friendship? Where was the love?
In February 2003 my brother Samuel and his wife Vicky, welcomed their first child, a daughter, into their family and named her Amelia, after our Great Aunt. Amelia was born four months prematurely and suffered brain damage resulting in cerebral palsy. She spent many months in the hospital during which my mother claimed often to have felt that Great Aunt Amelia was there, as a spirit, guarding and protecting little Amelia with perfect empathy for her condition. In Amelia we sometimes wonder if we see something of that lost Aunt, the same strength and beauty of spirit in the face of such difficulty. Although I have never met her I know that I love that Great Aunt Amelia and cant wait to one day meet her for real.
The Connection, the Friendship and the Love, is always there, even beyond death. If a life of isolation, followed by an un-mourned death does not brake a connection then why should I remain in this habit of believing that most farewells, in this life, are final?
This time as I move on to whatever comes next, I am holding on to the people I have come to know, respect and love. My friends from work, who inspire me so much with their concern for others, are waiting until I get back from my America trip before our next ‘Come Dine With Me’ evening. The friends I shared a house with in London, the Zibriskies, whom I will visit with whilst here in America, perfect examples of friends who never let go. A work colleague from Leeds who got back in contact with me and Barbara whom I have recently started chatting to again; I know that the nature of our communication will change, but the connection is still there, always there, always based on friendship and love.
As I begin to really truly value and look for these connections I find myself starting to see new ones I had never appreciated before. My connection to my country for example, and then to the world, as I walked down The Mall in London on the night before the Royal Wedding. People were connecting and recognising each other as I have never seen before. I guess that is a potential power that all weddings hold, the power to bring people together in joy and recognise how we are related in one great family.
And in just these last few hours I have seen most clearly the connections of friendship and family within those of my church. I have arrived in Manti, a rural Utah community, and been so welcomed and looked after that I feel overwhelmingly humbled. I am a stranger, but I have been taken in.
I feel that I am at the beginning of learning the art, skill and spirit of a type friendship that reaches out to anyone, no matter what depth of the relationship, the personality, circumstance or distance. The type of friendship that is based on a love of all. I believe I shall be a diligent student with such an abundance of inspiring teachers around me.