Questions, questions, questions, that is always what comes next. For the following two months I was plagued by them. They went along these lines, familiar to most of us...
Is this IT?
Would I ever really be happy living in America if I had to?
Do I even want to get married?
DO you love me? Do I love YOU?
Why did you do that? Why did I say THAT?
IS this it?
Do I try and extend my stay by hopping over the Canadian border and back or just go home to England?
That one was answered by the Canadian border US immigration officials... go home!
So I went home.
But the question remained and being an ocean apart did not bring any new clarity. Did my heart grow fonder in absence? At the time I thought it did.
I was persuaded to return a month later for another two months. In an effort to find the money I sold (sacrificed) my chocolate tempering machine to ebay. Tried to sell my books at a car boot sale but ended up being given more to take home. Waited tables one evening for a rather decadent County Council function, all in an effort to raise money for charity... I mean for my trip back to the States and finding my answer.
Somehow the money was found and I was sent back, braving US immigration officials who were definitely not as friendly on my return trip.
Within a week of my return I had my answer... NO!
A week of disbelief followed asking .... Really!? Followed by an even more emphatic, NO!
So much effort to obtain such a short, emphatic and unexpected answer. But it was the right answer, I couldn't deny that.
Thankfully, although my plans came to naught, Heavenly Father always had his ready, up his sleeve, waiting for me. I found myself a Spanish teacher who also became a friend, went to a life drawing class at BYU every Friday morning for three hours and worked in a chocolate factory four days a week. I attended a ward that made me feel so incredibly welcome. Made and discovered friends who had always been there, waiting for me to turn my attention to them.
There were the Z's who rescued me that first week after being dumped, took me to their extended family and allowed me to feel as though I belonged somewhere, not a that legal alien I felt myself to be. There was the day in Salt Lake I spent with Debbi, our long detailed conversations and stories, Indian food and an Autumn concert.
There were the pumpkins that invaded everyone's doorsteps and webs that strung from trees a whole month before Halloween. The beautiful colours of autumn on the mountains. Walking to church, watching my neighbours heading in the same direction. The BYU bells singing 'Come, Come Ye Saints' and echoing against the mountains. The first snow fall, getting a free seat in a sold out concert.
The sweet deliciousness of all these experiences and others is now off set with the salty regret of leaving it all behind. Especially leaving friendships too new and untested to trust in their depth. I wish I could stay to try them, but really, I can't.
It feels poignant that I am leaving on Thanksgiving week. No time should be spent on wondering why things didn't end up the way I thought they should have. I only want to remember all the good that has happened, say thank you and then move on trusting that whatever comes next, it will be even better!
