Mud Fight

A month later I find myself sitting in the midst of this change. Change that the Universe supplied to me, for dyeing my hair brown. To tell it short and precise, I am unemployed.

No, not exactly the change I was hoping for, but it came with a certain amount of relief. Finally, I move on! My work for the last nearly four years has been a blessing, no doubt of that. I have colleagues who have become friends and I have been of use to some of the most vulnerable people in the world - children and teenagers - made refugees by their countries and sometimes by their own families. I have gained a deep insight into the complex arguements for and against immigration.

Yet there was never an outlet for my creative energies, which itched in my brain and at fingertips. Time spent earning money was time taken away from things that were important to me. I have a childrens picture/storybook to complete, a new skill (chocolatier) to develop, artwork to complete, an adventure to embark upon (America), and a search to complete (finding that darned elusive husband). Although I have found it difficult to explain the necessity of all these to the girl sitting at the desk in the job centre the first time I signed on. (I didnt tell her about the elusive husband, or the trip to America). So although I may be jobless, I am not workless.

Should there really be a difference between the two I wonder? I have indulged in too many self help books that tell you to follow the desires of your heart... I have signed on for the ride now!

It was not with trepidation, or worry or regret that I left my workplace, but rather with eager excitement for everything that would come next. I had ideas of what I where I wanted it to go, but there were a lot of variables and unknowns yet to discover. It was at this point I decided to begin writing this blog, since the Great Unknown is always a good story to tell.

The Great Unknown however is proving to be a little tricky to navigate. Loneliness becomes a quick companion on this quest. Encouragement from others becomes a vital nourishment and thankfully I am surrounded by wonderful people who do just that. Without it I feel like a mud fight is going on between Miss Lazy on the one side and Miss 'GET ON WITH IT!' on the other.

The answer to the problem is to ignore both and stay happy by over indulging on TED talks, and spending time chatting to Marcus about them. He is another passenger on unemployed boat who is taking refuge in my house, so I am not really lonely. Thats just a trick that discouragement plays is playing on me. Discouragement is also a liar and a thief, because lessens the value of what I have actually achieved so that it can steal my coming success.

I just make sure that every day something is ticked off my list. I start running again and try to pray for 45 mins... which is a lovely hard thing to achieve because so many ideas start flooding my head. I have to have a writing prayer so as not to forget, which personally, I dont think is disrespectful at all.

I get my first rejection from an editor but the feedback is encouraging. Mum and I come up with a much more exciting plan to publish and distribute it ourselves and raise money for a childrens charity at the same time.

I remember the blog I started and realise that here I can account to myself, read myself and think, its ok to be alone-ish. It wont always be like this. Enjoy it while it lasts

So, this has been today. Its been a good day, and I think that, actually, most days are.

Just over a week ago, on a slow Saturday, I decided to dye my hair from its natural blond to deep, dark brunette.

I realize that this is a mundane and uninspiring act for most people out there. It heralds gray hair and a tightening grip on youth which is slowly slipping away. I have only just got my first gray hair this year and had a hard time finding it amongst my fine blond hairs. I am actually quite proud of this single trophy to the wisdom I have accumulated in my nearly 35 years of life.

I also need to point out that I had never dyed my hair before. Everyone wanted my hair. Its colour, texture, ease of styling. Why then should I not be content with it just as it was?

No, my reason for dyeing my hair was purely psychological. You could call it boredom, which I was at that particular moment. I was also frustrated, with life, with the attempts to change that didn't change anything. I had become different but the world didn't see because it was so accustomed to seeing me in the same way every day. And I needed the world to start treating me differently.

Now there was nothing wrong with me psychologically either, other than the boredom. My spirit, my soul is just as beautiful, and healthy and happy as my hair is perfect. Ok, not completely perfect, but good. I have no past that is not unreconciled. I know how to forgive, to say sorry, to love, to overcome regret. My core being, my spirit, is good and whole and something I think people look at in the same way as my hair. Desirable.

Becoming this way has not been easy. It has been a battle and an adventure these last fifteen years. Learning and understanding my core value as a human being didn't come natural as my blond hair came to me. Although the lessons were hard, I am thankful for them. Remembering those hard times are delicious to me and now I want the next course.

This single act of dyeing my hair was an act of bravery. I was, and am, saying to the world... ok, I am ready, bring it on! I want to grow some more! Do life to me!

And since then it seems that the universe has heard me.